Teacups in the Jungle

Many of you will have heard by now that a few weeks ago, we found a tumor on Danny’s back that caused everything in life to stop as we made our way to Manila.

It has been almost six years since his first tumor and cancer diagnosis. We haven’t lived our life since then in light of that diagnosis. We have just been living out our life in ministry and seeking to follow the Lord. It came as a great shock to us. Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it did. 

After we had made our way to Manila to see the Drs, we put out our first updates to our friends and supporters and then shared the news on social media. We have continued to keep people updated so they can pray with us as Danny has gone through his scans and surgery.  It has been wonderful to be able to share those answers to prayer with you all. The Lord is giving us peace, comfort, safety, and security in His steadfast love. We are sleeping well at night, there isn’t a knot in our stomachs, and we can laugh and enjoy these days as we wait with our kids. Fear does not have hold of our hearts. Our minds know peace. The Lord has ministered to us through His Word and we are encouraged. We have dared to hope. We are able to wait patiently.

We don’t know the results of the biopsy yet. We will probably know within a week and it will have a huge impact on our lives. Either it will be benign and we will return home to our life and ministry which we love, or the Lord is leading us back to the States to be called into cancer treatment once again.

We trust Him completely either way. Both paths are unknown. 

Do we hope for one, more than the other? Absolutely! We are asking the Lord to allow us to stay and continue to serve Him here in the Philippines. Thank you for praying with us!

We truly believe that the Lord is good, His plans are perfect and we are willing to accept whatever He unfolds to us in the days ahead- even if the news is not good. 

God still is. 

We have lived this journey out publicly since we made our way to Manila. You will have read updates like this as we have been expressing about the peace and comfort the Lord is giving us through this trial. 

But I feel a responsibility to tell you something as we await these results. 

There was a private week, that we didn’t tell you about. When we were silent and the tears flowed. 

I want to go back now and give you a little peak into that week, because my fear, as we share our reports with you, is that you will equate our “strength” and the peace we are experiencing to us being missionaries and place us on a pedestal where we do not belong. 

So let me share from the very beginning. 

Go grab a cup of coffee and take a seat. This will be wordy. 

It was a Tuesday morning when we were sure Danny had a mass/growth on his back. A few weeks before, while giving him a hug, I had mentioned one side of his back seemed different or swollen compared to the other, but there was nothing we could see to be sure. We decided to keep an eye on things, but life went on as normal, we were not overly concerned.

A few weeks later though, we could clearly see a lump on the right hand side of his back. It was Tuesday morning around 8:30 a.m. when he said the words out loud, “I think this is something, I need to go to Manila and see about it.” My heart sank all the way to my feet. Not again. And if again, then surely this is bad, quite possibly the end. How long do we have left? Weeks? Months? 

Panic. Dread. Fear. 

After crying together in the bedroom so the kids wouldn’t see, we dried our eyes and tried to carry on with the day. We needed time with our own thoughts before we could tell anybody. How were we ever going to tell Izzy and Judah? 

Danny was in the middle of painting the last wall of Izzy’s bedroom, something he had promised her to do for months and we were finally getting around to it. For whatever reason, that felt so particularly painful to me, for her and Danny. Catching a glimpse of him painting, was enough for an ache to take over my throat and my stomach. I felt such deep sadness within my bones that I can hardly express. Would this be the last thing he would ever do for her? Would she ever get to enjoy it? How will we tell her we need to leave, right as we finally finish her room? It just felt too hard.

That evening, I had a group of ladies over for our regular Bible Study, but for the first time ever I couldn’t pray out loud, because I knew tears were a moment away. I nodded as others talked, but my mind and thoughts were a million miles away living out multiple scenarios. 

That night Danny and I wept and wept like never before in our lives. 

We just love being together. We love our life in the Philippines. We love being parents to Izzy and Judah and suddenly on this random Tuesday morning everything changed. In the early hours of the morning, unable to sleep and not wanting to keep Danny awake if he had finally fallen asleep, I got up and sat in the chair in the living room. 

My mind was firing randomly all over the place. 

I felt fear, panic, and distress. 

Which led me to further panic and distress because I remembered such peace the last time. What was I doing wrong this time? The second time around felt harder, because I knew what was ahead, it wasn’t an unknown- it was a known trial.

I doubted everything, but mostly myself. I feel so incapable to live life and raise our kids without Danny. My mind gave in to the lost cause of playing out future scenarios without him. 

Fear had a hold on me.  

Through that long night I prayed and cried out; “Lord, help me. I am so afraid this time. It feels too hard and too heavy. Help me to believe and know you are here with me. Help me to trust. Give us wisdom- I don’t have it right now. I can’t trust my own self, help me to trust You. I just feel so, so sad.”

I sat in the darkness, silent, sobbing, and scared until the morning light. 

Wednesday morning, my daily reading in the One Year Bible was in the book of Lamentations. Even that worried me. Last time we had this news I was in Exodus, the story of the Lord leading people out from hardship into something better. It gave me strength to read their story of Yahweh leading and guiding each step of the way, providing their every need. It was manna to my soul. 

But Lamentations is full of sorrow, loss, destruction, despair, and brokenness. 

But it gave me words, when I didn’t have them. I wasn’t even sure what to do with them. 

My first moment of relief came as I read Lamentations 3:21-26

The Word of God is powerful and alive. The Lord was to bring this verse before me through various people and different places in the following days. I turned those words into a prayer and I dared to hope. I asked the Lord to help me call His truth to mind and to protect me from my own scattered thoughts. I paid attention to my thoughts instead of letting them wander. I didn’t realise it but I now had a battle plan. 

Izzy and Judah, who are not 5 and 7 like the last time we went through this, were beginning to ask questions about my swollen eyes and constant tissue in hand. While homeschooling, Judah repeatedly asked me if I was o.k. Izzy would glance over trying to get a real read on me. These ordinary moments of homeschool suddenly felt so sacred and special. I wished so much for more very ordinary, even hard homeschool days together in our home. I watched them running out on their break to love and pet the dogs and I stood at the window, tears streaming down my face- a fierce desire to protect them from pain rising in my heart. 

We can’t protect them for the rest of their lives, but we are to prepare them for life by walking through all these moments together and looking to the Lord.

Danny and I decided we would tell them on Wednesday, at dinner time, not right before bed, but with enough time for us to all talk as much as was needed and hope they would sleep.  

Wednesday afternoon ticked by at an unexplainable rate. Sometimes it was going too fast, other times it felt like the clock had stopped. 

I stood in the kitchen making coffee and listened to their banter. They were making videos with their iPad and collapsing on the couch in fits of laughter. Normally it would thrill my soul to see them have such fun together, but on this day, it was painful. Will it hurt all the more to go from such happiness and carefreeness to such sadness and fear? “Lord, help us have the words to tell them, prepare their hearts.” I texted the few people who knew our news and asked them to pray for Izzy and Judah at the time we would be talking to them. 

I hardly remember how we told them. I only remember the looks on their faces, glancing back and forth at one another. One trying to be brave while wiping the tears away furiously, the other holding it all in until Danny held their arm and then the tears commenced.

We couldn’t answer their desperate questions. 

We couldn’t fix the pain.

We could only be with them in it, and together we wept and prayed and prayed and wept. 

I boiled a pot of potatoes and we ate them with butter and salt. 

That night I heard sobbing, not my own, that broke my heart. 

Danny and I prayed prayers together that night that will never be shared. The Lord knows the pain, the hope, the questions, and the trust all mingled together in words of fear, trust, and surrender. He heard us. We gave ourselves fully to Him. 

However, the following day was one of the hardest. 

We had tickets for Manila the next morning and we wandered the house trying to pack and prepare. 

What were we packing for? A trip to Manila? Packing up our life? I wandered and wondered aimlessly. 

I asked the kids to set some things aside that were so important to them that if we didn’t get back, someone could send them on to us. I had my own pile, a few items set on a shelf. It’s amazing how unimportant household items are when life falls apart. (But maybe more on that another time.)

Danny spent the afternoon, “getting our affairs in order” and burning paperwork that we didn’t need. Judah stood watching him, silent tears running down his face. 

The sombreness of the day was palatable.  

Our pilot family dropped off a jar of verses, brought us soup, and arranged to bring us to the airport the next day. Our co-workers began to pray as we had to let them know why we were suddenly leaving. They were among the first to know because we live life together with one another, and honestly we dreaded telling our families at home, knowing the pain and worry it would cause them. 

We left our house at 6 a.m. Friday morning. The long drive gave me time to think and pray. 

The flight that I am usually so fearful of, seemed suddenly such a small fear, even the turbulence didn’t phase me- I had bigger fears to deal with. But somehow the visual of heading out on a journey helped me to trust the Lord a little further. To leave behind our life there and to press into trust as I so often do when get on a plane. I knew how to do this, and this time it wasn’t just for a flight, but a journey of which I wasn’t sure of the destination. 

Ironically I felt the weight of things lifting as we flew through the air. 

When we arrived in Manila, the change of scenery helped. Our home was filled with items of sentimental value and memories, and that newly painted bedroom of Izzy’s caused us all to tear up. Being in a neutral place, helped to stabilise our emotions. 

We began to call our friends and family. Shared with our missionary co-workers throughout the Philippines and finally put out updates.

We met with the doctor. Had the scans. Went to church. Ate a good dinner.

I don’t know when it happened exactly, but peace began to meet us in our moments of despair. We no longer wept each night. We started to sleep. We even laughed. The kids bickered again. We wrote emails. There wasn’t a knot in our stomachs. We took deep breaths of gratitude. We read books. 

People were praying, all over the world! 

We asked everyone to specifically pray for our minds- it is a battlefield and the Lord was giving us the victory. He was answering prayers. People where holding our arms up in the battle. 

If you only remember one sentence from this wordy post, I want it to be this one; the Lord gave us victory. 

He answered our weeping prayers, and He answered the prayers of believers around the world as they held up our arms when we were weak, so weak, in the battle. 

And this is why I want to write this post. 

Friends, we were so weak and the Lord met us in our weakness and He gave us His strength to get through one hard, uncomfortable, emotional moment at a time. 

Please don’t think Danny and Philippa are so strong because they are missionaries! We are strong and are experiencing peace because the Lord so graciously answered the cries of our heart, answered your prayers and our prayers and met us in our point of need.

If you see anything worthy of praise, praise our Lord and Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, the God of all comfort who draws near to the broken hearted. He has drawn near and what a wonder and miracle it is to know the peace and presence of Jesus  when our hearts are broken. He is the One to be honored and praised and lifted on high.

He is with us and we know it in the most tender of ways. 

He catches our tears in a bottle. He knows our pain. He has suffered with us. He brings comfort and a peace that surpasses understanding. We know the statistics are not good. Logically, we know what the results could very well show, and yet we are called to hope- not in results being good, but in the Lord Jesus Christ. The One who has proven His love for us in the most sacrificial of ways when He gave His very life for us. We can be sure of His steadfast love no matter our circumstances, or our realities. He is real and He is near. Oh how He loves us!

We all long for this peace. We want to know this peace when we are going through difficult circumstances, but so often pain, fear, and panic lead the way before we find that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Our questions keep us from Him when we should be running to Him, not hiding all the fear, panic, and despair we feel, but inviting Him into it to help us carry the pain and to hold our emotional responses up to the light of His Truth. 

Satan would love us to keep stewing over the lies that can taunt our wandering thoughts. 

The hymn writer, gave us these honest words to sing:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it;
Prone to leave the God I love:
Take my heart, oh, take and seal it
With thy Spirit from above.

Let me highlight a few verses from Scripture on the topic of peace.

Philippians 4:6-7
6 Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.


Philippians 4:9
Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.


Isaiah 26:3-4
3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee; because he trusteth in Thee.
4 Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in the Lord JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.


Colossians 3:15
And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.


Matthew 11:28-30
Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest for your souls.


Psalm 119:165
Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.

Isaiah 54:13
And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children.


Romans 15:13
Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Spirit.

I am not going to write a whole lot more here, but I simply want to share something that I have experienced in the past few weeks. 

Peace through trials and suffering does not just suddenly arrive at our front door while we sit in self-pity and denial. There are a lot of verbs for us in the verses which talk of the peace that the Lord gives. We have a responsibility in the battle and it doesn’t start the day we get bad news or when life falls apart. It starts on regular ordinary days when we choose to spend time in the Word, renewing our minds with truth and listening to the heart of God. This way when the trials come, and the lies of Satan combat our mind, we know truth and we can move forward in the battle for peace, by setting our mind, staying our mind, recalling to mind the truths of Scripture. 

We know the battle plan which always starts with coming to the Lord. Especially with the tears, the doubts, and the confusion, we are to keep coming to Him and asking for His help to strengthen us.

Thankfully, it is not all dependant on us. We cannot find peace through grit, determination, and all the doing in the world- it is quite simply a work of the Lord, by the power of the Holy Spirit. A gift of God. An answer to prayer. Grace. Mercy. 

He draws near to us. 

He gives a peace that surpasses all understanding. 

He keeps our hearts.

He guards our minds.

He lets hope abound in places of deep distress. 

He is the Prince of Peace. 

We are not to long just for the peace He gives, but we are to long for Him!

The best way to prepare for trials and suffering, is simply to walk with our Saviour everyday. The more we know Him, the less we could ever doubt Him.

To worship Him in spirit and in truth, even when we don’t understand His ways.

We can give thanks, because of His steadfast love, eternally. 

So, as we wait on Danny’s biopsy results, this is why we can wait with hope. We praise the Lord for the victory He has given to us as we girded up the roaming thoughts, and asked Him to strengthen our minds. He has heard our cries for Himself and He has faithfully met us in our need. 

We thank Him for this time of waiting which has prepared our hearts to accept or receive the results of the biopsy. 

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all your prayers. 

I hope sharing all of the story, thus far, can encourage another dear one that may be hurting, along in their faith. 

We are weak, but He is strong. 

Love, Philippa