Teacups in the Jungle

We had just arrived back in Manila, after saying a painful goodbye to family. We also returned with a teenager and a pre-teen who have very different educational needs, social needs and spiritual needs than when they were little running around in the jungle. I felt myself streteched between the needs at home, the needs of our children and the need at hand to continue with the ministry we fully know and believe the Lord has called us to – even now. I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place, as the saying goes, knowing I couldn’t possibly meet the needs of the people I love most in my life.

You would think twenty years later since we first arrived, the goodbyes and the processing would have become easier. I am certain, they have only become more difficult. Our decision to be here in the Philippines has consequences into so many more lives than it did when we first set off in our twenties. I feel the weight of that deeply.

It was a Sunday morning, and we made our way to the church we attend when we are in Manila, before we packed another suitcase to travel the final stretch home to the island where we live and serve. I struggled to concentrate throughout the sermon as my mind wandered through all the what-ifs and the challenges of the generations on either side of me. I questioned the decisions we were making. I doubted as I looked at the realities around me and I worried at the cost of my decision on their lives, not necessarily my own. I don’t remember the sermon as I had whittled the time away listening to my own thoughts, fretting for the future.

Then it was time for communion. The Pastor explained again the purpose and privilege of communion. 

Judah, sitting to my left listened intently during the communion service. I looked over to see his head bowed, eyes closed. I wondered what was going through his mind, was he asking the same questions as me? 

The choir sang the beautiful song, “Jesus, Thank You.” The words of the song finally captured my runaway thoughts. I was listening as my heart, mind and soul were flooded with truthful words I was so thirsty to hear. 

Lifting our voices together for the chorus we sang these words;

As the song came to a close the offering plate was handed around and Judah, suddenly filled with purpose, rummaged around in my bag for his wallet. He took out the amount he wanted to give from the money he had received from friends and family before we left. I glanced over to see how much he was holding and let’s just say it was a lot more than I expected to see. Noting my glance, and regretfully maybe also a raised eyebrow, he asked me a question that I didn’t realise I needed to answer that day, until I heard it whispered into my ear, and then my heart.

“Mom, is it too much?” 

Everything slowed for me.

The whispered question reverberated through all those thoughts, feelings, aches, doubts and fears that burdened my soul on that Sunday morning. I shook my head gently, and instantly the tears sprung to my eyes. 

“No son, we could never give too much.” 

In one, small, quiet response I had the answer to so many questions that had plagued me just an hour before.

It was as if I was sitting holding up my own little life, like Judah was holding up his valuable pesos, and asking was it too irresponsible to give so much. When really, we only have anything to give, because of all we have been given. We are nothing without Him!

Clarity came with the perspective of tuning my heart in gratitude to my Saviour. The Beloved of Heaven crucified for me. How could anything we could ever give Him back be too much? And yet, I’d been letting myself entertain a lie that the cost was maybe starting to feel too much in this season of all our lives.

It can all feel too much, when we look at our own resources, our own capacities, weaknesses and limitations. The cost can feel too much when we have said another string of goodbyes, and we look into so many unknowns in the months and years ahead. The cross we have been given to carry can feel heavy to bear, while looking within ourselves, and then out into the world. We will find ourselves, “between a rock and a hard place,” which is why we need to cling to the Rock, Christ Jesus in all circumstances. The hard places will come and go, but He will always remain, steadfast and sure.

Which is why Jesus commanded us to remember Him. 

He knew how quickly we would take our eyes off of Him and that would cost us most of all. It would cost us our peace, our joy, our contentment and our desire to live fully, whole-heartedly for Him. In remembering Jesus and His sacrifice, we gain the eternal perspective from which we are to live this earthy life. Whatever He asks us to give as we walk through this temporal life – it could never be too much to offer to our Saviour. 

In fear we want to pull back when the going gets hard. After offering our full obedience, we are tempted to take a little bit back off the altar, when it’s feeling uncomfortable. We want to play it safe, protect ourselves and our family when there are too many unknowns outside of our control.

But Jesus didn’t. 

He set His face towards Jerusalem knowing exactly what He would face on the hill of Calvary. Our Father in Heaven gave His only Son, the spotless Lamb of God, the only One who could pay the price for our sins and satisfy the debt of sin, that we who were born sinners, could never pay.

There was no other way.

It would be ridiculous to place a monetary offering in the plate at church, and then take back some change! And yet we offer our hearts, souls and minds and then we are tempted to start looking for “change” and take a little bit back for ourselves. 

We aren’t to tithe our lives, or our obedience to Him, by choosing what to give and what to keep. Romans 12:1&2 tells us very clearly the desire of the Lord for our lives; “Present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.”

We aren’t to wait for change to come in certain areas of our lives, and circumstances before we choose to live fully for Him. We give our lives fully surrendered to Him, and He brings the change. He is the One who sanctifies and we are always the receivers of His good and endless grace. 

“Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table, Jesus, thank You.” 

As we stood together to sing the song again, I couldn’t get the words out for the tears streaming down my face. 

Jesus, thank you. 

I walked into church on that Sunday morning, a little disorientated and feeling the weight of carrying my cross, time and time again, around the world. I had been looking too intently to the circumstances of people I love, which are circumstances and outcomes outside of my control- yet always under the soverignity of a loving God. He has a plan for each of our lives and I can trust Him in the lives of those I love. He will direct us all as we continue to follow Him and seek His will each day. It’s not about saying yes to a place, a vocation, or even a need, but all about saying yes to the good and perfect will of Jesus. We will keep following Him wherever He leads.

My circumstances hadn’t changed by the end of the service, but by remembering Jesus, I had been changed.

Was all of me too much to give Him? 

“No, Philippa. It could never be too much.” 

He gave everything for you.

I pray that you may know the clarity that comes from remembering Jesus as your Saviour. He is worthy, trustworthy, always and forever. From my personal experience I can testify with all my heart; the deepsest peace is always known on the other side of full surrender.

If you are struggling today to make a decision that Jesus has asked of you. My only encouragement is to take your reponse to the foot of the cross and make it there, time and time again. He will meet you there full of grace and peace. We don’t live this life for him from a place of guilt, but from complete gratitide of His love and grace for us. He is a tender and compasssionate Saviour who walks through all the hard places with us saying, He will never leave us or forsake us.

He is with us always and He is Home.

Philippa.

“The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:24

Here is a link to the song I refer to if you would like to listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=tHp8eThI2qk

Thank you to all of you who pray for us and support our ministry in the Philippines. We are so thankful to the Lord for the life He allows us to live here. If you would like to receive our ministry updates at anytime please just email me at philippa_brooks@ntm.org and ask to be added to our list.